HairHeart’s Lament
A Letter To The Heartless Disease That Eventually Will Take Most Of Our Head Hair
Alopecia Areata
Dear Alopecia areata,
You’re a merciless bastard, going after the most vulnerable of us — babies — using some kind of reverse-old-age-Benjamin-Button-alopecian-methodology — causing them to be birthed utterly hairless and hopelessly A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!!! Damn you!
Haven’t you ever considered these babies might want to be born with hair? Of course not.
The mother delivering the baby might thank you for saving her from having to bathe, shampoo, dry, and brush her baby’s hair from day one — BUT THE BABY MIGHTN’T!
And older men — you broke their dating game.
One minute the ladies were checking him out, the next minute they’re all, who’s that hairless-headed creature blocking my view of the cute-haired guy that was there a minute (really years) ago?
You probably work in tandem with the bodily function that puts hair in noses and on asses and backs. Damn you for that as well!
I‘d be willing to bet you’re responsible for those eagles being taken nearly to the brink of extinction, likely due to their unsightly heads.
And this author’s no exception.
He’s been forced to walk down that road.
Each year his hairline fades further and further back. It’s like watching the waning tide in a Viagra commercial minus the beautiful sunset but with erectile dysfunction.
I’m pretty sure you affect about ninety-something percent of all humans eventually and it’s just, you’re just..uhhhhh!!!!! I can’t take it anymore.
I’m shaving whatever’s hair is left of my alopecia-scorned scalp and crawling back into the crevice from which I came where there’s at least solitude, warm meals, and nobody to judge!
Adios!
Farewell!
Toodle Loo!
Bon voyage, Alopecia!
You may take my head hair but you’ll never take…
MY PUBES!!!!!!
No love,
HairHeart
